I paid for my birth with my flesh and my blood

I paid for my birth with my flesh and my blood,
as the stone laid on my head and pushed my small body
onto the protruding metal under my knees,

and once the stone was lifted off me,
my blood would shower the earth under me.

I would lay tired and confused
on the ground bear of grass and it's mocha color
would blend with my skin,
I wanted to be absorb by it...!

I would look at the sky with silent tears
and watch the clouds dance above my head
I would call for You... Then... You were (Nameless to me)
kindly ask You to erase my existence from this earth.
No one would ever know,
I would not be missed.

For I was orphan of love,
stranger to hugs
and kisses were just words
on other children's mouth.

Even then I knew of You
and I loved You...
Many times I imagined myself at Your feet
welcomed with love, where I belonged.
Certainly my life on this earth was someone's mistake
and You were going fix that, I thought many a night.

But the cloud dancer never did lift me into the skies
the earth itself did not absorb me,
just the scarlet of my blood
leaving behind the fainting prove of my pain.

Everyone would know,
but no one would help,
there were whispers all around,
and even blunt conversations in front of me.

Somehow adults are truly ignorant of
a child's intelligence
and comprehension skills...!

So they would say carelessly:
"She truly hates that child, has she no father to rescue her?"
Or "poor girl, why does her mother not love her?"  

I would listen and pretend ignorance,
and feel the dagger of their words
pierce deeply in my heart
and it's blood would drawn all other organs.

For I too had those same questions,

The way I saw it,
I alone had to pay
for my father's mistakes
and he could not help
because his essence was being consume by the
golden liquid in a bottle in a far away city,

He did what he knew:
paid for private school and bought pretty dresses.
Dresses that covered my bruises from his own eyes, my good doctor.
I do love him much redeemed honorable man now!

Many times my mother said it would be wonderful
if I never returned from school,
If one of many drunken drivers
would take pity on me... On her!

That she would smile and dance in the absence of me!

I too wished...
That she would smile and dance
the only sadness in my heart was
that I would not see it...

who doesn't want to see their mother smile and dance?

But I would returned from school,
everyday much alive
but not free of concern
that everyday would be my last.

I was not afraid to leave this world,
I was resigned to the conviction that I would
leave it, at the hands of my maker,

but the knives never did pierce my back
as I ran for my life out of the kitchen,
and I knew You were there,
I knew in my heart that, the Creator of the universe
knew of me and he wanted me to LIVE!

There is no other explanation
for her terrible Aim!!!

And I wonder still:
What's my mission,
How do I pay You for your kindness
in my existence...?